Another stage of life

I have been finished my study life for more than a month. However, I have no any special feeling towards it.
The feeling comes by now as I will be go into a new world (the real world) as a permanent employee.
This isn't a sad feeling, but it is an uncertainty that come with challenges, fear and excited. What a mixed feeling I cant described well.
Time to grow up for the reality world. work should be taken as serious, unlike last time I can tell myself that I am just an intern or I'm not gonna work as permanent here. You need to become serious when you have commitment. I clearly know that that is many challenges waiting for me out there. I need to be strong and tough to handle yet with the stable emotion.
There will be at least 1.5 year that I need to stay start from tomorrow. You can only ask for better benefit and higher salary when you have experience. The mission starts from tomorrow. I don't know what it will be, I just wish myself luck.
After 1.5 year, I don't know where I will go. Maybe go for a 5 days jobs, or maybe go to a vacation. A long one with  new experience..God leads the way it should be.

The miss evil

I always blame other for lost of patient. Recently, I found that myself totally lost of patient. This situation happened especially when someone around me panic, anxious, inpatient, and frustrated. I will be more frustrated and totally lost of control by being affected by the person. The worst is I even will feel dislike the panic person very much.

These had really freak me out by my own attitude. What an evil I had became? It is just like a lovely daughter that being pampered too much by her parent. Finally, the daughter is become a miss evil.
I need to reverse this before everything is too late. I need a stable emotion mental. I think I should pray and train myself for this. Always be alert is the key. Be alert of my every action and every word that come out from my mouth. A word can hurt and kill a person more cruel than others weapon.

A mature woman should handle and deal with all sort of condition clearly and emotional stable. I know I am not achieve to be like that yet I will to be someday.

I am really sorry that my emotion is never fail to affect you. I knew you were tired and busy. That is why I want to let you do your work once last night. I understand that you really want me to improve, I really appreciate that. Nevertheless, the way you critic my letter that I am not worth to against the low pay offer is really hurt me. A deep one. It is just like people said you only worth 1.7k. Support is only what you need when you are down and in emotion.
My grammar is undeniable suck. I really want to improve, but sometime the determination is low and I really do not know how and understand the language sometime.
Maybe this is what I meant by our level is totally different. You are in so high level, yet I am so low. You never know the sadness of a person that lack of basic in her background. I know you can never blame your background, but time is needed. I really scare of these different and level will pull us apart. I typed this as an email, but eventually I decided not to send to affect you again. Let it be settle down with the emotion.

Sunday morning

This is a sunday morning, which is also the last day of my last semester break in university. As usual, I was the latest person woke up at home. It was not very late though, I woke up at 10am. Nevertheless, the house was empty as everyone went out. I should treasure my own sunny and cozy morning. Truly fell in love with Dia Frampton's songs. Love it!

Ordinary

Raining softly outside the window while I am alone in the room can stimulate my emotional up and down with a fulling mind.

The final year of the university life has stress me up. The final year project has make me stressed.

Should I viewing it as a chance of growing up as the blog of mine is stated as growth space.

My supervisor is a person who are very want all the details and justification in all aspects.

I am happy when I know I can as her student eventhough I clearly know that my style of work is totally different from hers.

The stress condtion started when she scolded me at the first time.I was stunted with no feeling. The sadness inside of me risen when everyone around me told me that they never saw her so fierce and etc.Is I not good enough in doing works?or not good enough in talking?and maybe both.

After a sem, I started to get use to these.My thesis title has been change over and over again. I even submitted my first three chapter in a rush just because I changed my title again.

I wonder did my supervisor consider about this or not, but it doesnt a matter to me anymore.There was few times that I rewrite my chapters, all get bad comments from supervisor.I am wondering whether I am confusing everything up or I am just INCAPABILITY.

Frankly, I get to know many of my weakness and insufficiency in my ability in finish some works.I should thanks this final year project to let me know this.

I had tried my best to correct my weakness, but it seems like useless today.I told myself that I will work even harder again. Thats my promise. I don't care how she think about me as long as I finish everything up with my trully effort. I knew that I am a negative thinking person.

A special guy told me that it is important to be a positive person.Thank him very much in supporting me.Once a again, I realised that I am not that good as I thought. I am just a very very ordinary person. Now, I am accepted who I am and trying to be a better and better ordinary person.

Money, the devil

Everything u get, u have to pay for it just either before or after the moment. When someone treat u, there must be compensation. There is no free lunch in the world.

I guess there is only Jesus's love which gave us without hoping any compensation from us in the world. This is the only sentence that came to my mind.

I cant blame anyone, because this is the nature of human being. I just need to accept it. I knew it is hard, but since kay yee did it just because she gt the love from Jesus Christ. I feel i really need HIS love no matter what time, place and how old m I.

Money can make ppl happy, can bring happiness and material enjoyment.

At the main time, it is also make people lost their kindness and love just because of it. It is really a devil at this moment. Many people sacrifice their time, health and everything just for money. Is this really worthy? Now I realise why bible state keep accumulate ur money in the heaven and not in the world which can be destroys easily. People can be stubborn of the money matter, but for me, I will choose happiness instead of money.

I been thinking I spent most of my time at home to get the family love and happiness, am I right?Am I getting what I want?

It is just hard for me to change. However, it is the time now. I am way to weak and i need HIM very very badly. Bring me up. I want to learn how to treasure the life with meaningful and less with the DEVIL. I admire those who live happily and meaningful even though they are not rich.

I MUST HEAD TOWARDS THAT WAY.

There is no one can compare

From the first one to this one o next one, I can clearly know my man is better and better.

However, sometime painful and suffer is still cannot escape from a relationship.

After a long time of thinking, I clearly know be the bride of HIM only will be the most blissful.

I wish I could~~

Mom's question

After so many years, my mom finally asked me a question today.

Mom:" How is your sikh friend?" asked with hesitant.

I knew she always know more than that from last time.

I did answered her lightly with a peaceful heart. Surprisingly, I even praised him in front of my mom.. Everything had passed and I really just remember the great things.

Thanks God. I clearly know this is path of grow.

Lets move on~~

Life after LI

When I was working for my LI, I was very busy that time. I used to think that my life will getting better when I finished my LI. However, now things like totally out of expectation. Just a few day I back, many things happened. I really wonder why am I so lousy? I shame on myself.

Case 1: Plan to buy a cake to celebrate my sis's birthday, I took less cake and paid more due to rushing of time.. How good if I insisted to check before leave. I had thought about want check, but I just left it in my mind.

Case 2: Cake cutting ceremony for celebrating my sis birthday. The second sis back late, the eldest sis insist to cut cake without continual waiting. I showed my madness as I think since already wait for so long and why don't just continue to wait. What make me mad is when she said she wan sing birthday song and cut the cake alone, it make the purpose of me to buy the cake celebration meaningless if everyone din celebrate together. The ending was not so nice as what we want.

Case 3: Monday period which is very painful and make me frustrated for whole day.

Case 4: He turned to be unhappy due to some car problem. Furthermore, I hurt my sis. I accidentally spoke some bad word towards her. I even sent a message to her even though she just make mum unhappy by not back on time as she promised. However, I found that she was sicked.

Case 5: Recently, I found that I lost in patient to help my parent in doing works. Just now, mum asked me to help something in settle her email. Of cause I cant remember her email and I just came up to help after she called me for many times. At last, she frustrated by kept mumbling about it is so hard to beg people for helping. I can saw she was like heartache. When I came up, without waiting me finished to look at the problem, she just shut down the laptop. It just shocked me and pull me down so deep..

I just saw myself in my mum's attitude. I somewhat like being like her when I am frustrated. Hence, I have no right to blame anyone.

I am just a girl that no use. I am just so out of the dream attitude that I want myself to own. However, I found I do not have single of those good attitudes..Kind, sympathy, optimism, hardworking all these are cant found on me..

I am just sucks.....

Cheated

Somewhat realised that myself and mum are being cheated.. My guiltiness cant stop from now..

haiz...I must learn to be smarter, better, and more optmism in order to survive in this society.

I doubt of my ability and capability non-stop...

Mutant is no exception

People needs love..

Love is so amazing and great.

It can't be described by any word.

Nobody can denied that he or she don't need love..

There is no exception.

Lonely without love is suffering for everyone even u went through evolution to become a mutant.

There is a powerful sentence that "you are not alone".

It will be means a lot to everyone.

When a mutant in the movie heard this sentence, his heart melt and warmth.

From here, we can realize the amazing grace of love..

The fact is---

~~We need love~~

From study to work

The most common topic that I share with others nowadays is working life..

It is absolutely hard when you have to change from a freedom bird to an nine hours working office lady.

First of all, you will feel like your life is ended with work alone. Non-stop complaint and moaning are never leave the mouth.

After first week of work, I found out that working is hard, I started to think of some alternative way to make future life better. The most easier and "senang" way will be marry to someone rich. Once you married, you may no need to work and get back your freedom with money from your husband.. Thats sound nice perhaps. When I went back to home, my sister teased me about my late realization about working and everyone going through the same working life as mine.

During the second week, I adapted better to the working life and the marry thought was become lesser and lesser. I should be empower woman due to I am educated girl but not yet a woman. *haha* However, I need to go to a camp that starve myself in order to excrete the mucous plaque which is harm to our body, meanwhile have to work as committee. The hardship of work is still with me. In addition, the camp is in the weekend which mean we have to work in the weekend without extra pay and replace off day. Hence, I think be a government server which have more rest and off time will be great. The thought jump from marry to government server.

We need to work back on monday straight after the camp. That's tiring indeed. We tried to figure out the current salary of our colleague, surprisingly it is not much and have to be multi-tasking. After attended wedding dinner of a friend, all of us found that money is hard to earn. Now, be a teacher is coming to my mind.

For the fourth week, everything is better. I got my first salary. Whao!! But it is not until rm300. what a poor girl..However, I am just a intern which no right to ask for any benefit. Therefore, be a boss will be the best after having a long thought. haha..

Came to the fifth week, my second and bigger presentation is coming. It is a new challenge which I worry and like at the same time. A fun dilemma of course. However, came to the day before presentation, many of the sick symptoms show out. Maybe I am weak during menstrual period. Hope I can getting well after have a rest.. God bless...

Life, mercy and love

Life is so weak..

A earthquake or a tsunami can took many life in just a minute.

Those people will be unexpected of it and even never think that today is the end. Scary and anxious is unstoppable.

We must treasure every moment that we left.

For those who is already in his golden age, do they prepare well?

Everyone will know we will leave this world a day, but scary is still there, the feeling of unwillingness to lost is still there.

I really hope grandma will be alright. Perhaps everything will be alright. I really can't imagine how if someone very close is leaving.

Lord, please release your healing to grandma. Bless mummy and my family.

Truly beg and lies on you, My LORD.

Mercy and love are from YOU..

I am weak~~

I know i am not determine and capable..

I am a coward who scare this n that, worry this n that..

I knw i m lacking so many in me..

I admit of my weakness...

Put u in my prayer

When we r weak, we will think of many barriers to prevent us to go..

However, i really hope u can go..

Even though, u showed me a super "lame" face that i dislike just now when i ask u to go, but i know tats satan work..

I wan said blek 2 that, coz it wont affect me at all..

Keep u in my pray, i put u in the hand of Jesus..

I believe HE will do his work..

Change in love

There is no guarantee that people wont change forever..No matter how much he or she love u in this moment, there is no sure and must to continue forever.

I heard they said that, when a couple marry n Jesus in the upstair of them to form a triangle shape. Then, this marriage only will be better n last longer. I believed in this...

Again, again and again

Again,again, and again.........Can it stop?

All of us also cant endure anymore..

Whats u did throw us in trouble..

I HATE YOU.. SATAN!!

I WANT YOU TO VANISH IN MY LIFE!

We grow up, why just cant understand us

We are grow up, why just cant understand us? We have our works, our plan and schedule.

We may forget to call and inform you where we go and what we do..

Izzit i dun bck n be secret n dun tell anything all the time is better?

SAD~~~

COMMITMENT

I truly understand that something is cant wait. For instance, be closer and closer to GOD. My bro is super better than i am now. I knew he hope i can go to the camp. I also dun wish 2 disappointed him..n GOD as well..I really feel my bro mature a lot.proud of him...However, I just feel i m nt ready yet. Or i m a coward who scare there is no one for me if i am goin.

I plan to have a change in this 2011. I plan to go church n be a real christian. I decided to go to church. Nevertheless, i dunno which is the church i should go? I m truly lost. If go to fga, there has a good environment. I like there, but i afraid of commitment. I thought i can go there often by has transport to back upm. After last night, i found that's hard.. Furthermore, if i go to this new church, is it a betray to the old one? One more thing is will i stop it halfway after i commit to either one. Then i lost all my trustfulness.

Many people will not understand my situation. They may think now focus on study first. Others can set later. But this is not a religion, It is a believe. Maybe this is the reason why they mention christian should couple with christian..There must be a different mindset after all..

This is the world

People can be so scary.. people can be good in disguise.. people can wear a lot of masks..

She can back stab that people, on the other hand be close with her..

Finally she got a good position, and then came explaining to u that she was not intended to be. She said the stuff is boring, but she was working very aggressively and hard for it..

I prefer those who really fight it aggressively and volunteer instead of disguise.

Or maybe just i misunderstood her and she is good?

Or just i m not aggressive enough?

Or this is the world?

just i do not adapt to it well..

There are many many more people like that in this world..

I should find my own way to deal with people like that..

FINDING~~~~

Really scared that i m not prepared for the 'reality' world...